Some musings while sitting in the dark, facing into the light. Pondering whether there is really any difference between the two, as I reflect on the poignant juxtaposition of that hole in my heart and the lightness and joy in precious moments. Life has a way of humbling all but the most oblivious among us (who I sometimes secretly envy). It’s times like these when we’re faced with life’s biggest questions; In short, our search for meaning. Existential stuff begging (I think) to not be taken too seriously, as we experience this thing called life.

Kind of like ourselves…

Where do we come from? Where are we going?
What about our mothers and fathers?
All of those who walked this Earth before us?
That what swung from the trees before them?
That what dragged from the seas before them?
That what gelled in the soup before them?
The fallout from the cosmic chemistry set,
Random rubble from the great sound and fury?
That what made up the blobs of gas and dust,
Swirling projectiles flung recklessly
From the primordial tempest?

We are that sheerest fabric of somethingness
Spun from gossamer threads of nothingness
From a place of neither light nor darkness
Who will be returning there shortly
Scarcely ever having realized
We never even left it
Random particles with illusions
Of grandeur and permanence
Like colored grains of sand
Intricate mandalas of chance
Gathered to then be swept away
Like ever moving sands of time
Flowing through the universe
Back into the nothingness
That we mistake for somethingness
That what lies behind the eye of the observer
That sole immutable place
Through which we move but never leave
That place where we’ll forever be
In the lightness of the darkness
That tranquil fullness of emptiness
Where anything is possible

Dark days over time become more like ordinary days, simply with dark moments. The shock and awe of the worst of them do give way over time to something different, but still, sometimes…

Sometimes I feel this hole inside
From where a wellspring of joy
Once overflowed with abundance
Where now a gaping, screaming void
Stabs and scorches the looking eye
Leaving scars of pain and longing and rage
Momentary diversions move me for a while
Then I dutifully return
To my station at the precipice
To pay respects to an unforgiving space
That rewards the gesture cruelly
Regret and guilt and despondency
Overspill and trammel what light remains
Drowning in the undertow of memory’s flames
No matter what I do or what I want
Meanwhile life just keeps coming at me
Unrelenting and unforgiving
Can’t fix on the void, can’t look away
From this perpetual train wreck
No matter what I do, I’m damned either way
Swimming against swirling troubles
Instinct taking over
I fall into the aether, flailing
Into the void within
Out of my mind

As a not very expert practitioner of lucid dreaming, I’ve had more failures than successes. None has been more difficult than the one I’m going through now. When I can’t sleep, my mind spins. And when I can, it spins with the same wish, over and over and over. As painful present rhymes with the happier past, triggers abound, and the wishes just keep coming. The struggle is real.

When the night is dark and all is still
I chase elusive lucid dreams
Within the motley mash of things
In life and thought and things I’ve seen
I want to see you
I want to see you
I close my eyes and think of you
In waning moments every night
When all is quiet except my mind
Spinning and spinning, wishing and wishing
I want to see you
I want to see you
I’ve seen so many other things
I’ve willed my shuttered mind to see
Long lost friends and relatives
So why will you not come to me?
I want to see you
I want to see you
Wherever you’ve gone away from me
I need to know that you’re alright
Just a word, a sign, anything
But the echo of my hollowed heart
I want to see you
I want to see you
I want to see you
I want to see you