All That Shines

From Three Years, Three Reflections: Letters to the Quiet Shore, vol.1

Notes / All That Shines: I wrote this poem as a semi-biographical, to remember the warmth and joy Jax brought into this world — a radiance that continues to move through every life they touched. The poem reminds us that while loss may darken our days, it cannot undo what love has illuminated. Some lights do not fade; they change form, they scatter…

All That Shines

You were never one shade
you were the spectrum after rain
Laughter bending light just so
showing us ourselves again

You loved like sunlight on broken glass
turning edges into flame
When someone’s sky went dark
you whispered softly, stay

You were a bridge for all to cross
and a hand for all to hold
You showed us love could move like water
gentle, fierce, and bold
Oh, the color that remains
still shining through the pain

You wrestled the sky for your soul’s true name
a song that could carry your truth
The world was slow to understand
but your heart was always proof

You were a bridge for all to cross
and a hand for all to hold
You showed us love could move like water
gentle, fierce, and bold
Oh, the color that remains
still shining through the pain

Now every dawn feels touched by you
each laugh, each light, each hue
You taught the night how to hold the day
how love can never fade away

You were a bridge for all to cross
and a hand for all to hold
I still can hear your voice in silence
feel your warmth in the cold
Oh, the color that remains
forever, it remains

Trigger warning. Some may find my words offensive. But an apology is not forthcoming. Not until your good for nothing, absentee god cleans up this shit show he owns. Until that day comes, I rage on.

A Thousand Deaths, A Thousand More

I lose you anew with every breath,
a thousand deaths, a thousand more.
Each dawn is a grave I dig again,
each dusk, the quiet closing door.

No god came forth with open hands,
no mercy wove its gilded thread.
Tell me, if one reigns beyond the sky,
was it power that lacked, or heart instead?

For no being both just and mighty still
would sit, silent, as the world went black
or if it would, then spare me faith,
for such a god deserves none back.

And mankind; no better, no less cruel,
its hands steeped in another’s pain.
It feeds on greed, on want, on ruin,
and calls its slaughter justified, sane.

The thief who takes, the coward who turns,
the lazy, the selfish, the small, the vile
the worst of them all, the voice that sneers,
whispers blame behind a smile.

I am left a hollowed thing,
a vessel of echoes and nothing more.
Every step, the abyss calls softly
every day, the choice: dark or war.

To drown would be so simple, love,
to let the shadows cradle me whole.
Yet vengeance burns, a quiet beast,
a beacon howling in my soul.

Not just for you, my lost, my heart
but for the ruin left behind.
For joy undone, for meaning stripped,
for all the ways I’ve been unspun.

But if you hear me, if you see,
then know, my love, I beg you this:
Forgive me for the ways I failed,
for every moment I have missed.

Forgive the rage, forgive the cold,
forgive the silence I have sown.
Forgive the ghosts that walk beside me,
the man I am, the scars I own.

To those who wait, who stand, endure,
who bear the weight I cannot quell,
I ask your mercy, though I’m sure
you’ve known the cost too well.

Let heaven watch, let silence mock,
let angels cower, let gods despair.
But know this: I am not your kneeling wretch,
I am not your whispering prayer.

Damn the thief who took you from me,
damn the maker who let it be done,
and damn myself for every breath
that still betrays I couldn’t stop it.

No mercy. No surrender. No peace.
Only fire, only wrath, only the endless,
screaming name of what was stolen
and the ruin that beckons my name.

Hello there. It’s been a while. And yet, it’s as though I’ve never left this space. Missing our Jaxy as much as ever, as we recently “celebrated” what would have been their 20th birthday. Hard to celebrate what SHOULD have been instead of what is – but I guess that may change with time. Still sad beyond words. Still angry, though maybe a bit less so. Still driven to do… something. Just not so focused these days. Survival mode, for now.

From Day One

From day one
I always knew
I’d love you forever
Life’s greatest gift
But not like this.
Living in a rear view mirror universe.

From day one
I always knew
You’d be so special
Always wanted
But not like this.
Chasing joy, not chasing ghosts.

From day one
I always knew
We’d be inseparable
Peas in a pod
But not like this.
My spirit missing its center, searches.

From day one
I always knew
You’d challenge me
Open my eyes
But not like this.
The veil hides the colors of your light.

From day one
I always knew
I’d do anything for you
Fight or die. Or live.
But not like this.
Just in your name is just not the same.

From day one
I always knew
One day you’d take flight
And leave the nest
But not like this.
Good night was not supposed to be goodbye.

From day one
I always knew
You’d make me stronger
A better man
But not like this.
No, not like this.

One year and one day later, so many things have changed and will never again be the same. Feelings of gratitude wrestle with unfathomable loss, in this, a season traditionally set aside for celebration. How do we celebrate now? Still working that out.

For my little Angel, Jax. May the wind ever lift you to places of joy and love.

The leaves fall
Cold wind whistles
Buffeting the trees
Crisp, chill air
Closing my eyes
I embrace the breeze

Standing still
So quietly
She whispers to me
Reaching out
Airy traces
Scented memory

How my heart
Whispers your name
Back into the wind
And awaits
Reflection of
Your seraphim grin

Torn away
Interrupted
The perfect pearl
Far too soon
So needed in
An imperfect world

You were here
You left a mark
So hard to measure
Your paint brush
Still spreads color
For all to treasure

Shine your light
My sweet angel
My beautiful friend
Fly on high
Can hardly wait
To see you again

As we close in on day 365 without Jax, I pause to reflect on all the terrible “firsts” in our last year, all that came before, and all that awaits us as we face the future. Truthfully, nothing is forever. We are not even who we used to be. I know I am not. We are constantly being reborn, evolving into something and someone new. The same can be said of most things, from the pupating caterpillar to the massive, galaxy-eating black hole.

And yet, in spite of the inevitability of change, the conservation of energy and matter still rules the day. Even nothing itself is impermanent. That just seems cool to me.

So once our matter calls it a day, what of our energy? I like to think that too continues to evolve and transform, in rhythm with our universe. In which case, we never truly need to say goodbye.

Nothing is Forever

Starry skies open up
Giving way to
Cold nothingness
No light, no sound, no heat of life
Just the subtle pull of the well
Drawing me in, like moth to ghostly flame
Path curving, rounding the void
The string draws tighter
Strands of light and substance
Taper as gravity’s vise bears down
Accelerating, whirling
The needle on the record
Circling the unseen drain
Faster and faster
Closer and closer
Forever and ever
Converging to a single point
Everything that ever was
Impossibly pressed into
A knot of nothingness
Quivering, screaming out
From the center of the void
Nothing is forever
Neither the thing nor even the no
Even the nothing
Must break free eventually
Issue forth explosively
Into the new Everything
Light, sound, heat of life
Every color, warm and bright
The sound of a billion tiny voices
Sing out joyfully
Nothing is forever
Neither the thing nor even the no
Life and death
Matter and energy
Collapse of gravity
Integration and entropy
The Universe keeps churning
And the great wheel keeps turning

Nothing is forever
Neither the thing nor even the no