See the ongoing development of the physical spaces we create as tributes to Jax, in remembrance of all the love, joy and color they brought into our lives. From rainbows and succulents to ladybugs and vines, all the whimsical things that remind us of our beloved and unforgettable Jax. We may eventually create a separate gallery for our dedications like this. Stay tuned, and do let us know if you’d like to get involved.
The ever winding and sometimes difficult road that has brought me to this place and time has given me so very much. After all, it gave me my beautiful and complicated Jax, the greatest teacher I’ve ever been honored to learn from. Regardless of what happens from here on out, the learning will always remain a part of who I now am: a much better version of myself than I could have ever been without.
One very important lesson I’ve learned is that when we look upon someone, however close, how distant or even strange to us we can’t know what pain and anguish hides just beneath the surface. And we can’t know what we don’t know. But we can learn to feel for perfect strangers by looking inward and daring to know ourselves better in all our perfect imperfection. And learning to love what we see, without condition; to nourish and cultivate ourselves to blossom into something even better.
Everybody hurts. Every one of us has unmet needs, unfulfilled purpose, struggles and frustration. And every single one of us is the answer to all of the hurt and need in each other’s hearts. Judge less, love more. Unconditionally. Universally.
It’s up to us all to try to live up to these lessons and become better people and be more present and sensitive to those around us who are in need of just a little bit of empathy.
Always and forever.
This week we observed our first Valentine’s Day without Jax. Normally, it’s one of those days that come and go with tokens of affection and joy for those closest to us. No big deal in the Markley house. We know how we feel and have never had any trouble expressing it with each other.
But this time it was different. It was one of those days when you’re torn between feelings of joy and appreciation for all you have, and abject heartache for all you’ve lost. I feel Jax’s absence every minute of every day — but on this day the gravity of Jax’s absence felt like a black hole ripping away at my insides, like it did when we first lost Jax.
This is what not okay feels like. I’m not okay. We’re not okay. But our family is together in this, loving as ever, and still grateful for each other and for the years we had with Jax. And that will never change.
I miss you, Jaxy. We miss you. And we love you ETERNALLY.
On Saturday, Jan 7th we gathered to celebrate Jax’s life and the imprint Jax left on all of us. Around 150 friends and family dropped in to break bread and share stories with all of us. It was gratifying to see so many faces, and to learn about how Jax touched so many lives and changed them for the better. Some stories we knew about; others surprised us and were the source of many a teary eye. Here are some pictures from the event: link
You may be wondering what’s with the ladybug logo. Here is the story. Throughout their life, Jax seemed to be a magnet for ladybugs. It seemed like from a very young age, any time we’d go out into nature – gardens, wild places, anywhere you’d see plant life, at least one ladybug would hitch a ride on Jax. There was a particular moment in 2018 when we were getting around Paris using public transit, when out of nowhere, a ladybug flew into the bus and landed on the rim of Jax’s glasses of all places. I think that was when this officially became a “thing.” And this is why you see the symbolism of the ladybug everywhere in our celebrations of Jax’s life.