On Presidents’s day, we (the Markleys and our dear friend Kristin B) had appointments at Black Diamond in Venice to get tattoos dedicated to Jax. The entire experience was new to most of us, but it was about as smooth and pleasant as you could imagine. And the results were beyond all expectation. I only wish that we had all done this with Jax, and not after. But as John Lennon used to say, life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans…
Love you, Jaxy. And today, in yet another way, we are all bonded in deep and enduring love for you.
This week we observed our first Valentine’s Day without Jax. Normally, it’s one of those days that come and go with tokens of affection and joy for those closest to us. No big deal in the Markley house. We know how we feel and have never had any trouble expressing it with each other.
But this time it was different. It was one of those days when you’re torn between feelings of joy and appreciation for all you have, and abject heartache for all you’ve lost. I feel Jax’s absence every minute of every day — but on this day the gravity of Jax’s absence felt like a black hole ripping away at my insides, like it did when we first lost Jax.
This is what not okay feels like. I’m not okay. We’re not okay. But our family is together in this, loving as ever, and still grateful for each other and for the years we had with Jax. And that will never change.
I miss you, Jaxy. We miss you. And we love you ETERNALLY.
Jaxy loved animals. All animals, large or small, young or old, healthy or unwell. And they loved Jax too. This is a poem that draws from a few of Jax’s personal stories with animals, shaped by the ancient poetic form of dactylic hexameter. It’s unusual in form and meter for something modern, but I think it just makes it feel more special. I hope you enjoy it! <3
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Curious animals follow and lovingly decorate your wake You are the magnet as canines come running, with all wags and grinning Felines familiar and strange, finding fingertip followed by cradle Ladybugs landing on eyeglass rims, feeling the kindness of your face Sea turtles paddling, intrigued by your aura of joy and belonging Lizard emerges for warmth, seeking refuge in your caring presence Duckling abandoned by mother but trusting your tenderly kind eyes Bright colored birds flock to join you in kindred roost, tribe of the rainbow It never mattered to you how they looked, but if needed or wanted you were there Life can be so unfair taking a way so much more than it gives us You lead with love and with caring and joy and you got what you gave them Sometimes we people forget how the way you live matters but not them Animals understand where to find nurturing spirits among us You are the one they found so many times, empathy sought out and given
Feeling the loss of someone so integral to your life and well-being makes you stop and think about things. Like life, death, time and where we all fit in this endless, exquisite and sometimes brutally unfair universe. In the end, we come to realize that very little matters, except for the gifts of love, compassion and presence we give each other. Not what we accumulate, but what we spread around. Not what we take with us, but what we leave behind.
This is for you, my dearest Jax.
– – –
I am stardust, born of supernovae Scattered about the universe Briefly coalescing For but a time
I am the rainbow, shaped from falling mist Fragile and also powerful Longing and belonging Chased by sunset
I am the messenger in the bottle Carried by mercurial tide Eternally for now Like written word
I am the shore, the ground beneath your feet Together we press and we move Until erosion’s toll Sweeps me away
I am the me you see for but a time As all of us, temporary Chance clusters of atoms Adrift in dream
On Saturday, Jan 7th we gathered to celebrate Jax’s life and the imprint Jax left on all of us. Around 150 friends and family dropped in to break bread and share stories with all of us. It was gratifying to see so many faces, and to learn about how Jax touched so many lives and changed them for the better. Some stories we knew about; others surprised us and were the source of many a teary eye. Here are some pictures from the event: link
