Jax Markley

   Who was Jax? Where do I even begin?

Jax was a uniquely beautiful and soulful human being, and like most of us… complicated.  Throughout their life, Jax was always someone around whom you just felt better.  A better person, who is accepted and somehow understood. Possessing of a rare depth of kindness and loving acceptance, Jax was deeply empathetic by nature.  Which is mostly a good thing, but it did come at a price.  When you feel so much and have such powerful emotions, they can sometimes overwhelm you.  Like listening to all your favorite songs – at the same time – on blast.  The weight of such feeling can give way to emotional and even physical pain.  This was Jaxy’s burden.

In case you were not aware, Jax was transgender, identifying as nonbinary.  Born biologically a girl, Jax’s growing gender dysphoria led to a painstaking exploration of who and what they were.  For those of us born into clearly defined categories or gender and/or sex, it can be hard for us to imagine what it’s like to not feel like you fit into a convenient “box.”  But our ignorance does not make this any less real.  We tend to take such things for granted, as we simply don’t know what we don’t know.  Only after several years of painstaking thought and action, Jax determined (for only we can determine for ourselves) that neither assigned gender properly defined them.  Although one can easily (and correctly) argue that such explorations don’t hurt anyone and thus deserve neither our judgement nor condemnation, that doesn’t stop certain very narrow minded people from acting cruelly toward those who make this journey.  Sadly, Jax also had to deal with this.

As parents, we are proud to have wholeheartedly supported Jax’s journey and for the courage it took for them to find their own path to wholeness.  In continued observance of Jax’s wishes, we use their preferred name and self-assigned pronouns of they/them.  She/her was also acceptable to Jax, as they learned not only to be more at peace with their own identity, but also to forgive others’ well-meaning but clumsy handling of pronouns.  (Yeah, Jax was also wise beyond their years.) Acknowledgement and validation matter to all of us, so we ask that you please act accordingly out of respect.

Jax was a creative, and also a bit of a weirdo.  I mean that in the best possible way.  The kind of self-effacing, loving sort of weird that everyone should aspire to be.  Possessing of a sharp wit and an old soul, Jax was a constant source of corny jokes, photo-bomb moments and and general goofery.  And don’t get me started on all the crazy clothes and hair colors! Jax had a most eclectic and ever changing sense of style, which was a constant source of fun, amazement and sometimes a bit of head scratching.  You never knew what they’d come up with next.  And we *adored* that about Jax.  Not only were color and humor staples in their life, art, music and acting all seemed to come easy to Jax.  Oh what creativity and imagination!  It seemed like there was nothing creative that Jax couldn’t figure out – from the ukulele to snail art, you name it, Jax could break it down and make something beautiful out of it.  All that color and love gave Jaxy a certain glow, like there was almost too much life force for one kid to contain.  That was Jax.

More than anything, Jax’s love was most emblematic of who they were – love for family, friends, animals, nature, the elderly, the outsider, the underdog, just about everything and everyone.  As a small child, we used to muse about what superpowers each of us might have (if we had superpowers).  Jax would always say their power was *love.*  And anyone who has ever known Jax knows this to be 100% true.  From day one, Jax’s very presence brought people together in kinship and love.  Their mere coming into being was perhaps the most healing experience in my own life, breaking barriers and building bridges across some broken relationships.  Throughout life, their words and deeds took that love so very much further.  For example, one day not long before we lost Jax, they brought home a friend — a boy who had just “come out” to his parents — whose first reaction was to throw him out of the house.  Jax’s first instinct was to bring him home and see if he could stay in our spare bedroom while figuring out what to do next.  And of course, we were proud — both of Jax’s amazing kindness, and to help them make things right for this friend.  The next day, sure enough the friend’s parents came to realize the error of their ways and welcomed him back home where he belonged.  This is just one of countless true stories about how compassionate and empathetic Jaxy always was.  This legacy continues to blossom and grow, thanks to the impact of Jax’s precious heart.

On the darker side of that love and empathy, depression and anxiety were very real issues for Jax. Even with lots of help, dealing with mental wellness was often a tense and persistent battle. It is painful to acknowledge this, but we believe that somewhere along the way, this is what led Jax to give up on conventional treatment, going it alone through a very well-hidden self-medication.  They made the simple mistake of trusting a stranger with something to sell — over their loving and supportive family.  This is what ended up taking Jax away from us by way of counterfeit medication laced with deadly fentanyl.  One pill is all it took.  One pill.  This will forever leave us questioning ourselves as parents and protectors. How could we ever have let this happen?  What could we have done differently?

We will never know.

Let me be absolutely clear on this:  Jax did not intentionally take their own life – their life was STOLEN from us.  The scourge of fentanyl and its barbaric, low-life profiteers ripped Jax from our lives, on the morning of November 6, 2022. We have since helped law enforcement track down the dealer (her name is Skylar “Skyy” Mitchell) and are working to give them every resource possible with which to throw the book at everyone involved. Sadly, none of this will ever bring back our Jaxy.  But we are determined that our experience and efforts might at least save someone else the gloom that has taken residence in our lives.  With this in mind, we are taking up activism in many different forms, from donating and volunteering to building our own charitable organizations to fill needs we find are not being met in the anti-fentanyl and broadly anti-opioid communities.

Through all their life’s challenges, Jax was a natural student of life, love and kindness – and in so being, they also became a source of light and learning for all of us.  Personally, I know that Jax taught me a good many things about empathy, gender issues and the implicit bias that plagues the mainstream of our society.  They made me want to be a much better person, and to a good extent was successful.  For that, I will always be grateful to Jax.  If you knew Jax at all, you could probably think of some way in which Jax made you somehow better or more understanding as a human being. That’s our amazing but fragile Jax.  How we miss them…

Friends, please take care of yourself and your loved ones.  Mental health matters.  YOU matter.  Surround yourself with those who love you, speak truth to you, and are protective of you.  Do not put your trust in quick fixes and “friends of friends” who want to sell you something.  Dealers are NOT YOUR FRIENDS! Instead of taking on unnecessary risk, seek professional help and please NEVER give up on that help.  This is not one of those things you can tackle alone, and there is ZERO shame in getting help until you’re better.  You deserve love, validation, empathy and forgiveness.

We are forever thankful for Jax and for all the joy and love they brought into our lives.

So many words, yet still a pale representation of our beloved “Jaxy.”  Jax was such a complex and colorful human being, it’s impossible to put into words just what they meant to us.  Which is why we want to hear your stories too.

Please join us in unfolding and participating in the story of Jax.  There are several options to contribute – pictures, videos, stories, creative works – anything that celebrates our Jaxy and keeps their memory alive.